Another pregnancy first!

Today, just a few minutes ago, I felt my baby girl's first kick in my belly! Words cannot describe the way I am feeling right now. I've been getting used to her movements, slowly but surely. It has been strange waking up to her head pushing out of my stomach. And it is also strange to touch or push a part in my stomach and feel her squirm to the other side... But this is on a completely different level. It felt like huge gas bubbles popping in the middle of my belly. :) And she did it three times in a row! This was way too distinct to be just a little squirm. If it wasn't a kick it was definitely a hiccup (or three). This was the highlight of my day!

First glimpses at my little one

I can't believe it's happening. I'm 21 weeks pregnant with a baby girl! I'm engaged now, and I feel like I'm losing control of my life... But I can imagine it's all going to be worth it soon. We have decided on the name Naomi Rose and all those that we've told seem to approve. Already I feel such a love and attachment to her, it's unbelievable. She's my child. My firstborn. And nothing is going to take her away from me. Sure she seems to think my body is an amusement park and she beats me up on a daily (at least weekly) basis...but I love her. The last ultrasound I had on September 23rd was a day I'll never forget. As soon as our ultrasound technician turned the machine on and we saw her head, she started to frown and shake her head in protest (already stubborn like her father). We soon were able to see all of her features: her legs, arms, head (with whole skull visible), her surprisingly big ears (haha), and that empty area between her legs that showed us it wasn't going to be the little boy I had so hoped for. I could care less now. I can't wait to feel actual kicks and hiccups soon. Pregnancy is wonderful.

The Cramped Road to Life

A lonely lamb
Trying to walk the sacred path
Confused on which way she's going
Slips up and takes the 'broad and spacious'

Appealing enough, she thought
But because she was in plain sight
Got taken advantage of by the wolves, the snakes,
No one to defend her

She wanders the road aimlessly
The appealing road leading to nothing
Infatuated with the scenery,
While the flowers slowly whither around her

What once looked bright now looks so grim
The broad road seems to get wider
More wolves lurking behind the shadows
No place to serve as her sanctuary

Suddenly there's a fork in the road
The narrow road she's heard talked about
She veers to the right
Finally her journey has a purpose

The narrow road may not look so pretty
It may have hills, may have rocks,
But look at her destination
A beautiful paradise

No wolves lurking in the shadows
Plenty of shady trees for shelter
Plenty of great food to eat
And even a guide to show her the way

She labors on
Focused, walking with purpose
No longer feeling so hopeless
The paradise is within her reach

"A man's own good breeding is the best security against other people's ill manners." -Lord Chesterfield

Slacking

Laying in the bed once again, trying to figure out why I can't muster up and kind of motivation to do anything. A full-time student with two jobs, you'd think there was something I could find to do. Ridiculous. Instead I'm watching "That 70's Show" mindlessly (an episode I've already seen) and eating tortilla chips :/ *sigh*

Regret (haiku)

Dark thoughts fill my mind
Regret consumes me like night
Past is my shadow

price for repentance (haiku)

Confessing my sins
Wanting your support, your love
Distance grows wider

Making changes

I've decided to do some re-evaluating. Things were getting a lil crazy for me so I thought some changes were in order. I've deleted my Twitter account, changed my cell phone number, and deleted a ton of "friends" on Facebook. It may seem a lil rash, but overall I think this is for the best. Although it will be harder now to get used to not having someone to talk to every minute of my life, in the long run I'll be happier spiritually and physically. I was talking to and being around people I didn't need to be. And the only way to stop associations like that is to cut them off. *sigh* So the feeling is bittersweet. But the people that truly love me have demonstrated that through their kind words and actions during the past few weeks. To those friends I say thank you and I love you. To the ones I've turned my back on, I say I'm sorry and maybe we'll see each other again in the future.

squirrel love

Today as I was driving home from work I saw two squirrels playfully bounding toward a nearby tree, chasing each other, until finally jumping on the tree and finding a spot where they could look at each other.

Maybe I was just being overly dramatic and naive (and maybe the squirrels were just getting ready to mate), but I just thought it was the most romantic thing. If everyone could show affection and love the way these two funny little squirrels did, we wouldn't have such a high rate for divorce in our country :) Just food for thought.

"A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous." -Ingrid Bergman

My sis just wrote this poem called "The Queen". Very clever, and even symbolic. Love it. Check it out. Her blog is lovelyethoughts.blogspot.com

Alone

Alone.

Scribbling words in a book,

Drowning inmy incoherent thoughts.

Alone.
The incessant ticking of the clock

Is the only thinkg to fill the emptiness.

Alone.

Still feeling the warmth of his touch

But no one here to console me.

Alone.

Twiddling thumbs and gnawing on fingernails.

Bleeding's not enough to ease the pain.

Alone.

I close my eyes to see him here beside me,

I call his name,

Reaching out to fit into his embrace.

...And suddenly, I'm not so alone.

Loneliness

Alone without you.
Suffering fills my platter.
Belly full of pain.

(untitled)

Secrets through my veins.
Always conscious of past sins.
Heart pumping out guilt.

(untitled)

Shouted words uncovering hidden rage.
Empty promises. Betrayed trust.
What have I dont to make you doubt me?
What have I said to prove myself a liar?

Duties done out of obligation.
My payment for the privilege of enduring this torture.
My gratitude for prison bars and stifled opinions.
The spit in the face that you call affection.

Climbing the never-ending stairs to a family
And still falling when I'm halfway there.
Love never reciprocated.
Living an empty life.

(untitled)

Opening my chest.
A hole where my heart once was.
Empty bitterness.

The Lecture

Angry shouts,

Uncomforted tears.

We take turns yelling,

Hearing, never listening.

I am always the one to blame

The wisdom placed upon you age

Makes you impervious to change

-But not me.

I couldn't possibly understand

An "adult" when convenient for you

But mostly a "child"

The opinions of which are beyond consideration.

A "conversation" that turns into a two-hour lecture

Your thoughts never interrupted

Mine always challenged

The thoughts behind my tears are vanity.

In the end, what do we have

But a sore throat and puffy eyes?

Tears fall down my face.

An emptiness never filled.

No one to hold me.

Tiger Woods scandal

I just have to speak up about this Tiger Woods thing since they won't let you turn on the tv at all without some spoof or comment about how terrible his infidelity was.

I realize exactly how biting and hurtful adultery is. I understand why people are shocked and appalled by that kind of behavior...But why are we acting like Tiger Woods is the first person in human history to commit adultery?! Where were the "E News" reports when Morgan Freeman and his wife got a divorce, when Eric Benet went to rehab for being "addicted to sex"? What happened to Larry King being in the spotlight for his little mistake?

I'm not particularly interested in what Tiger Woods does, ever. I'm a little upset that he would even think about cheating when his existing wife looks so gorgeous...but what has Tiger done for me? It has been said that this is a big deal because people look up to Tiger Woods...For what?! I don't see Tiger on campaigns for curing childrens' diseases, or donating millions to charity. He is a golf player! And a human! Bill Clinton ran our country and committed adultery, and somehow people still respect him.

In my opinion, Tiger Woods screwed up. Big deal. Now we all know he's just another pervert in America.

Man Stealers

I want to interrupt the rambling about my various pet peeves to talk about a subject that one of my followers on twitter mentioned this morning: women who mess with taken men.

She (my follower) asked "Do females like the fact that they are [sleeping with] another woman's man? Don't you want your own? I'm stingy and dont like to share..." I replied saying that i agreed, and that some of those triflin' tramps must justify it by saying that if he's sleeping with them he must not really be in love with his girl.

I just HAVE to talk about this because it's got me thinking now.



A woman that takes another woman's man (KNOWINGLY) is one of the worst types of people, in my opinion. Whether he happens to be married or not, that woman is completely going against the value and respect of a relationship, a bond between two people. And in this instance I blame things primarily on the woman. I know that men can be sneaky and some actually pursue lil' flings on the side...But I'm talking about when the woman initiates the "relationship" and is purposefully taking a man from his girl to spend time with her.



How would that girl feel if a woman did that to her man?! Could she blame her? Could she then try to switch things around to make it like that tramp is any worse off than her? Not really.

...Then again, this girl probably doesn't have a man. And if she does, she can't keep one. She thinks that a relationship is just fun, that two people can only be happy if they're sleeping with each other. And that is why she is most likely a lonely, confused, immature girl in desperate need of attention. I wouldn't be sorry if she never gets married or has a stable relationship... She doesn't deserve one.